So this morning the question finally hit my head: do I love Boston? If yes, why? If no, is there a reason to stay? A reason strong enough for me to love Boston?
I guess it’s lying on my heart for very long time. Longer than I know. Until this morning, the awakening of Spring time, might activated it floating to surface, or that my memories are smashed during burning out, making it to awareness.
Should I say, I love that Boston slapped me when I tried to embrace it with my full heart, when I landed here 23 years old, from the lighthearted San Francisco, hoping to start a fresh new life? That people are cold and indifferent, when I was not yet a grown up, when I still fully believed the sunny side in everyone? I was a little afraid of the new city, yet excited for the unknowns. When I was afraid and appeared weak, people attacked me by being rude. I was still not good at accurately expressing myself in cultural aspects, or in New England way. Does that mean, I did not deserve to be respected, as a west-coaster, a Mainlander from top university, a CG lover and researcher with a master degree from top CG school in the US? Why is it more important to appear high end than being respected? Should I say that I love to receive a supercilious look when I visit a local sandwich stop as a fresh visitor, just because I’m too smiley, because I had many many easy little joys in west coast adventuring food? That would prove I’m a full stupid, correct?? Now I can live decently and comfortably in Boston. Because I built a fucking shell in my heart to protect myself. Unconsciously, instinctively. I hate it. This shell prevents myself from getting close to anybody.
Yes. Boston has the strength – when friendship builds, it doesn’t easily break. Maybe in California, it would always feel like floating, not rooting. Some day, the Boston way may grow the root towards a sense of home. Maybe this slow warmth in Boston has helped me grow stronger. It’s out of awareness and it strongly protects me from feeling pale.
I guess that, I should, let it go. And, start to love Boston. In the easy way, not changing any bit of myself. For the strength. Let the hatred go. Otherwise, it would overwhelm myself to be irrational. I will, however, remove the hard shell in my heart. I will never close my heart towards the fresh-visitors from anywhere. Never treat them like how I was treated. I will, let all it go. I will bring the SF, LA Sophie, SLC Yang, back.